WEEK IN FOOTBALL Friday, Dec. 11, 2009

Friday Dec. 4
Charlize Theron induces pleasure for the first time since before Monster by drawing England and USA together.  Time stops.  Geek has moment of clarity, realizes the first USA game he ever watched was against England.  (1993 at Foxboro, 2-0 USA win, Thomas Dooley and Alexi Lalas with second half goals, Bob Levy on play by play, Seamus Malin doing color).  Geek is almost overcome by nostalgia.  "Rosebud."

Meanwhile, town of Rustenburg declares preemptive state of emergency for USA vs. England match.

The other groups tell us: North Korea can go ahead and book their flights home.  South Africa should begin to cope with being the first host nation eliminated in the group stages.  The whole of France should feel guilty about their luck.  Landing South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay is like finding fifty bucks in the pocket of the coat you stole.

Saturday Dec. 5
It's revealed that Arsenal never ever ever stretch or warm up before matches.  4 more players sent to treatment room in 2-0 win over ineffectual Stoke… whose players, despite their performance on the day, could have never seen this coming.  Boss Tony Pulis headbutting forward James Beattie… in the shower… naked.  I think the article answers most of the obvious questions expect for this: WHY IS TONY PULIS IN THE SHOWER WITH THE PLAYERS?  Is this really normal procedure?  I mean, can you imagine Sir Alex snapping a wet towel at naked Rooney?  (Please someone fill me in: Do coaches shower with their teams?  Other than women's basketball, volleyball and softball coaches that is.)

Sunday Dec. 6
Lampard misses a penalty for Chelsea to hand Man City the points.  200m pounds into their spending spree, City's best purchase has been the paltry 8m paid to Newcastle for Lampard repellent Shay Given.  It's said that a good goalkeeper earns you ten points through the season.  At least two points preserved on Sunday on top to man of the match performances against Burnley, Arsenal, Wolves and Wigan means that Given has just about earned his season's keep before the new year.

USA 1 England 0, Howard strikes the first blow by saving Jermain Defoe's penalty.  Check out Tuesday's post for more on Our Tim.

Monday Dec. 7
Rooney sleeps through World Cup Draw.   As a spectator, the draw inspired me to start a blog.  A fucking BLOG!   As a participant, he doesn't bother to set his alarm for the damned thing.  I don't know why exactly, but I find that really demoralizing.

In coed recreational action, Vandelay Industries pulls an Arsenal, letting a two goal lead slip to an inferior team.  Can't lose points to teams like Mojitos and still expect silverwear… or t-shirts, whichever the league decides to give… probably just t-shirts.

Wednesday Dec. 9
Reason #41,  why I love Jens Lehmann.  Click the link to watch him pull the old snake out of the tunnel routine DURING the run of play in a Champions League match.  Used to do this all the time in youth soccer tournaments…  Maybe FIFA can get urinals installed behind each goal for the World Cup.

In other Champion's League action, Arsenal field almost an entire squad born in the '90's.  I've just gotten used to the idea that people in college are born in the '90's but now professional athletes.  Children are getting paid outrageous sums to live my lifelong fantasy (again demoralized).

Thursday Dec. 10
Nothing.  Nothing because nothing ever happens in football on Thursday… one day after Champions League, two agonizing days from league play… absolutely nothing.  Thursday can die for all I care.