On the Pitch: FIFA 2010 World Cup
A New George

Remember when I was griping about the untimely misfortune of the U.S. men’s national team?  Charlie Davies nearly lost his life, Oguchi Onyewu’s knee spontaneously exploded, Clint Dempsey was sidelined for anywhere between 1 to 100 days and Jozy Altidore was stuck on the bench behind Carl Fagan (who is as anonymous as he sounds).  I drew the comparison to the Springfield Isotopes, Homer Simpson’s nearly doomed company softball team who suffered outrageous misfortune in the lead up to their championship game. 

Now let me make another American sit-com allusion, if you will: remember that episode of “Seinfeld” where eternal loser George reverses fortunes with Elaine?  I think this is what’s happening right now between the early favorites in Group C.

With the depressions of form and fitness key English players have suffered in recent weeks, England manager Fabio Capello might soon have to make a sad acknowledgment.  “I’ve… I’ve become George.”  I don’t know if Jujyfruits are at the demise of England’s pre-tournament fortune but their slide has been Elaine-like.  They’ve been metaphorically evicted, broken up with and laid off. 

This turnaround has been developing for a while now, but was punctuated when AC Milan held on to beat Udinese 3-2 in spite of David Beckham, whose only meaningful pass was to Antonio Di Natale.  It was actually a lovely through ball, right between the two center-backs.  Unfortunately for Beckham, di Natale plays for Udinese. 

(Signor di Natale was excellent, by the way.  Not only was he the best player on the field, he also pulled off a move of audacious sportsmanship.  With Brazilian oaf Dida bearing down on his legs in the penalty area, di Natale stayed on his feet despite the lurid invitation to fall.  A striker staying upright under those circumstances is like a man turning his back on a naked supermodel.  Or free beer.  Udinese fans are probably questioning di Natale’s sanity, but the rest of us should commend him for his integrity.  Steven Gerrard should take note.)

Back to Mr. Beckham (who failed to distinguish himself on any account): after that incisive back-pass, he put in a Scholes-esque tackle on Pepe (that’s all he goes by, just Pepe), made a few errant clearances and moped around the field.  This performance was indicative of his appearances of late.  If anything, he looked  distracted. 

Beckham’s fellow ex-captain of England, John Terry, could probably be indicted of the same accusation.  Terry was woeful against Everton on Wednesday.  The “ultimate professional” looked like someone who had somewhere to be, performing his job the way I perform mine on Fridays around 3pm: lazily, sloppily or not at all.  Terry was badly beaten for Louis Saha’s first half header then misjudged almost identical diagonal balls in the 2^nd half.  Saha only punished the second error but the result was a 2-1 loss could have so easily been 3 or 4.  

In that same game, England’s starting left-back Ashley Cole broke his ankle in a challenge with American Landon Donovan.  Cole’s injury, which threatens his World Cup hopes, could set up an awkward encounter that would make even the most jaded “Seinfeld” fan blush.  If Cole can’t regain fitness by June 12, Wayne Bridge will be lining up next to his BFF and pro-choice advocate, John Terry, in the England defense.  Larry David couldn’t come up with that story line. 

Cole’s ankle is only latest injury in Fabio Capello’s preferred back four.  Three have missed significant time this season: right-back Glen Johnson is out until March with medial ligament tear and center-back while new captain Rio Ferdinand hasn’t put a solid run of games together this season.

Things aren’t going so well for England in attack, either.  Some will wonder why I even mentioned Beckham as a miss for England as he has been anything but first choice on the right side of midfield under Capello.   But consider that Aaron Lennon has been out of action since Christmas with a groin problem and Theo Walcott’s persistent injuries have prevented him from finding any sort of form. 

A third option on the right side is Shaun Wright-Phillips, who has been perfectly healthy but is only a spectator under Roberto Mancini; he’s played a total of 32 minutes in the last eight Premier League matches for Manchester City. 

Speed on the wide areas of the pitch was probably Bob Bradley’s greatest concern given that his back line is comprised of bipedal sloths.  If England’s pocket rockets can’t get themselves healthy and playing, however, Team America will be able to stay compact against a relatively elderly English midfield, who, again, have not been in their finest form. 

Along with the aforementioned Golden Balls, Frank Lampard has been well shy of his best this season.  While Gareth Barry has been efficient, he doesn’t seem to provide the change of pace that a Lennon, Walcott or even Ashley Young (who has been largely ignored by Fabio) can provide.  Steven Gerrard, meanwhile, has taken an interest in gymnastics, the floor routine in particular.  As of right now, his diving might be England’s best weapon across midfield.

Meanwhile, the Americans are flourishing.  And like George Costanza, their turn in fortune might be a result of someone doing the opposite.  Landon Donovan has finally left the sunny confines of Southern California for a European destination that isn’t Germany.  His previous jaunts across the pond have seen him in put in timid performances, much like his display against Liverpool last weekend.  But aside from that hiccup, his performances on this move have been atypically brave and aggressive (ankle breaking aggressive, apparently). 

Moreover, Michael Bradley, who earlier in the season struggled to find the field for his club Borussia Monchengladbach, has reestablished himself as a key member in the engine room for club and country.  His workmanship in front of the back four will allow a confident Donovan the freedom to use his pace on the counter-attack, where he may yet be joined by Charlie Davies, who is continuing to make ground on his miraculous recovery.  Only a few months ago, there were questions of whether Davies would be able to walk again.  Now, according to reports, Davies might return to training for club team Sochaux in late March.  His potential strike partner, Jozy Altidore, has also been flourishing, finally installing himself as a regular in the Hull City side.  Only last week he scored his first goal, a well worked finish against Manchester City. 

If things were to continue along the same path—say, an injury to England talisman Wayne Rooney and full recoveries for Oguchi Onyewu and Clint Dempsey—the role reversal will be complete and doing the opposite would yield huge dividends for Team America.  I don’t want to speak too soon, but this might yet be the “Summer of George.”

Let me reiterate: Steven Gerrard = Cheat


A few days ago, I called Steven Gerrard a cheat and Landon Donovan a bum.  Well, I was right on one account.  


Gerrard was at it again yesterday against the Arsenal when he fell over two phantom challenges late in the game, the second fall being absurd to the point of hilarity.  He looked like he was getting into a swimming pool.  


Well, it was funny until it worked, anyways.  Howard Webb gave the free-kick, which Gerrard subsequently took and blasted straight at Cesc Fabregas' raised arm.  I presume the Arsenal captain was only sneezing (Bias?  What bias?).  Rather than reflect on own his theatrics which led to the free kick, Gerrard fumed at Webb for not giving a penalty.  It was, by far, the most lively he had been all game.       

I remind you that it was only last year when he seemed at the top of his game: he had just inspired a demolition of Newcastle, he looked odds on for player of the season and Liverpool were on course for their first title in 19 years.  The rest—Rafa's rant, Liverpool's capitulation—is history, of course.  Their title hopes vanished last spring and it seems Steven Gerrard's scruples and fighting spirit followed them into the ether.  

Which brings up this hypothetical: 
Say you're Fabio Capello, manager of England and you've said all along that the team would be selected on merit and current form.  The World Cup is starting tomorrow (literally: Friday, February 11).  Would Steven Gerrard be on the pitch to start the game?

If you answered yes, did you have reason to yourself that "he's always good for a bit of magic" or "he's good on a dead ball"?  Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought about Thierry Henry Arsenal in 2007.  


But after the season both Henry and Fabregas have acknowledged that he was hurting the Arsenal more than he was helping them.  He sulked around the pitch, demanded the ball when he wasn't open, wasted set-pieces and, most glaringly, he started to dive.  He looked just like Steven Gerrard looked yesterday: a shadow of his dominant self.  Am I saying that he can't regain some semblance of form by June?  No.  But will he again be the player we thought he was this time last year.  I doubt it.
   
But thankfully for Gerrard, the World Cup is not tomorrow.   And thankfully for England, you are not their manager. 



Donovan strikes for Team America
After I called him lazy and ineffectual, Landon repeatedly pillaged the left side of Chelsea's defense yesterday.  After earning the and taking the corner that set up Louis Saha for Everton's opening goal, he then swung in an inch perfect diagonal ball to release the French striker, only for the French striker's first touch to let him down.  Only a minute later, Donovan was back at it, charging at Chelsea defender Ricardo Carvalho and drawing a clear penalty (Saha missed).   


Not only was Donovan aggressive in attack, he tracked back into defend and regularly hemmed Ashley Cole into his own half.  The only thing he didn't do was step up and take the penalty himself.  I wonder if David Moyes is now considering after seeing Saha miss his second of the season.  Other regular penalty takers—Mikael Arteta and Ayigbeni Yakubu—have spent the majority of their seasons on the bench. 

Speaking of Ashley Cole, Donovan didn't limit his damage on Chelsea to only that 90 minutes.  He inflicted a dent on Cole's ankle that might see him miss the rest of the season and possibly even the World Cup.  

Ironically, Ashley Cole's replacement in the England team is none other than cuckolded figure of perpetual sorrow, Wayne Bridge.  Are we living in a Hugh Grant movie?  Wayne Bridge: run of mill, low on confidence but high on charm English bloke with broken heart gets his chance at redemption along side the cunning Judas.  Step aside "Bend it Like Beckham."  There's a new soccer romantic comedy poised for moderate box office success and modest cultural relevance in America.  We'll call it "Bridge of Blues," and Colin Firth can play the antagonist John Terry role.  

In a day's work, Landon helped his club, helped his country, helped the Arsenal, helped me enjoy my Wednesday and helped spawn a box office hit.  Now that is efficiency.  If he could sleep with John Terry's wife, he will have achieved more in a week than any American has done in the entire history of soccer.  

Better get busy Landon, I hear she's in Dubai waiting for a knight and shining armor. 

MATT DAMON!

Matt Damon is a Chelsea fan. Or at least he sat in the home stands with a blue scarf at Chelsea’s game against Arsenal this Sunday.  Just as “Do the Right Thing” went up in my esteem after Spike Lee was spotted in an Arsenal jersey, “Good Will Hunting” is going down a peg or two.  I was in a pub with all the other local Arsenal masochists when the camera panned to him.  Arsenal were losing 2-0, so aside from a few groans, the bar was quiet.  We were coping.  As I have every time I’ve seen Matt Damon in the last four years, I blurted out his name loudly and as though I had a disability.  This is because of “Team America,” that puppet movie by the “South Park” guys.  It is both immature and completely unoriginal behavior.  But I persist.  And usually, it’s good for a laugh or two, mostly among boys of my age.  Sunday morning, however, was dead silent.  I think people were actually angry with with me; it was like farting loudly at a funeral. 

Thankfully for me, I got to redeem myself later that day.  Matt Damon also popped up in a Super Bowl ad.  Right on cue, I nailed my line.  As no one at this particular Super Bowl party was in mourning, I got not only laughs but also repercussions.  “Matt Damon.”  “Matt Damon,” the gallery chirped.  Thank god.  If the “Matt Damon” thing didn’t work for me anymore, I would have to find a second way to appear interesting to strangers during sporting events.

The Merseyside Derby, as reported by a man in his underwear

I just finished watching the Merseyside Derby on my couch, in my underwear, recorded on Tivo as all Merseyside Derbies are supposed to be enjoyed.  Two suspicions have been reinforced:

1.  Steven Gerrard does not play fairly.   In the first half, he took two balletic falls worthy of the even the finest all-Mexican rec leagues in Los Angeles.  Then in the second half, he put in a two-footed and blatantly unnecessary challenge on Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar.  In between he spent his time chatting up match official .  

The greats in any sport do this, I suppose.  Kobe is probably the best and most obvious example.  He is an expert at basketball’s version of the dive (the flail and shout) and has also mastered the art of inconspicuous fouling, which goes hand in hand with how well he works the refs.  But I think there’s a difference between that sort of insidious circumvention and what we saw today with Gerard.  It never looked like he was toeing the line of fairness in an effort to will his team to victory; he just looked desperate.  It reminds of Thierry Henry in the last couple of years.  For the entirety of his career, he was as honest as any striker in the world.  Now, he’s a persona non grata in Ireland.  I can actually source Henry’s turn to the dark side to the 2006 World Cup.  After blowing the opportunity to seal the Champion’s League final for Arsenal in May, Henry seemed to labor through France’s group stage matches in June.  And then against Brazil, after being more or less anonymous, he fell over meekly under a challenge from Lucio and it was like he discovered plutonium.  Zidane swung in the resulting free kick, Henry scored and France went into the World Cup semifinals.  The very next game, Henry went down in the box under a soft challenge from Portugal defender Ricardo Carvahlo for a penalty.  Three and half years later, he's the world's most famous volleyball player. 

Gerrard seems to be on the same decline.  I don’t know the exact root of his diving habit, but he seems to be doing it more and more as his influence on the game has diminished.  Sure, he’s been playing with an injury all season but just by watching his mannerisms on the pitch and that classic wince that he seems to wear more and more often.  He doesn't even celebrate with the same verve.  There's only one word for it: jaded.  He's looking for fouls rather than the killer pass and spends more and more time hovering near the ref.  If you’re pushing your team on to trophies, it's a perfectly fine thing to do.  People will say it's just a champion's will to win.  But when your team is hugely mediocre and you've been delegating playmaking responsibilities to Dirk Kuyt and Yossi Benayoun, people are only going to call you a cheat.  And that’s exactly what I’m doing: Steven Gerrard is a cheat.  

2. Landon Donovan is kind of lazy.  His ineffectual half-hearted challenge resulted in Liverpool’s goal and he also allowed Liverpool left back Insua too much time and space to get forward.  I can’t help but feel I just watched the inevitable result of years of MLS coddling.  Here in the States he’s a glory hunter, through and through.  There isn’t the expectation for him to chase back and get stuck-in, which seems to be half the task in a game like that one.  After a rosy introduction to the Premier League, I don’t think he’s gotten through that fivehead of his that he is not a star in England.  Everton players aren’t busting their asses to do his dirty work.  If Donovan continues in this vein, Arteta or Bilyaletinov will surely take his place in the side.  Needless to say, it wouldn’t exactly be a boon for confidence in the Team USA camp ahead their England clash to find their star player sitting on the bench of a mid-table English club.

On the bright side, Jozy Altidore just scored for Hull City.  I’m going to put on pants to relish that goal.  

Dear John Terry,


Thank you.  Your sadness is the radiant sun keeping my bleak soccer world turning.  
Gratefully yours...


ESPNSoccernet: Terry stripped of English captaincy

John Terry, meet John Harkes... and a bit on DaMarcus Beasley

I don’t want to turn into the Perez Hilton of soccer, but this story from ESPNSoccernet is too amazing not to share.  I thought the U.S. lost all three of their games at the 1998 World Cup because they were bad at soccer.  It turns out that captain John Harkes was dropped from the team because he was having an affair with teammate Eric Wynalda’s wife.  Of course, no one ever heard about this because no one in America knew who the hell John Harkes and Eric Wynalda were.  And we were bad at soccer, did I mention that?  The obvious disparities in talent, fame and wealth means sporting parallels are difficult to make, but as an American fan, I cling to anything that vaguely resembles hope.  One adulterer, one bitter victim, three games played, no points.  That was the prototype as only America could draw it up.  I hope England sticks close to that blueprint.    

Also, there is this from ESPNSoccernet: DaMarcus Beasley, who set up Team USA’s last World Cup goal, had his car set on fire in Glasgow, Scotland, where he plays for Rangers.  He’s already had his car broken into once, and been subject to racial abuse from opposing fans.  If there’s a better advertisement for young black men in America to get involved in organized soccer, I don’t know what is.  All jokes aside, I sincerely hope this was random.  I’m sure DaMarcus doesn’t want to vindicate the abuse by quietly tucking tail and heading back to the States, but at a certain point in one’s career, the question has to be asked: “at what cost?”  A move back to less turbulent and pressure packed environs might be just what his flagging career needs right now.

How John Terry's Immorality Explains Arsenal's Shortcomings

Well, yesterday morning was weeks of dread materialized into a 90 minutes of soccer.  Manchester United 3, Arsenal 1.  It sucks having to drink one's troubles away before breakfast.  But then again, I probably should have seen it coming.  

Denilson spent much of his 60 minutes on the pitch hiding from the ball.  Arsenal fans should be pleased that he was mostly successful; his passing was erratic at best and he was a conspirator in all three Man United goals.  Meanwhile, Bendtner looked oafish, Nasri looked short of creativity and everyone else just looked short.  

The easy answer when sourcing the deficiencies with this vintage of Arsenal is a lack of maturity.  It’s probably the correct one, too.  The performance spoke for itself, but I think this comparison can summarize the relative maturity at Arsenal:  the last bust-up between Arsenal players involved shoes.  Emmanuel Adebayor didn’t like the fact that Nicklas Bendtner refused to take his off in the locker room.  And Robin van Persie didn’t like that Emmanuel Adebayor shipped a pair of his boots to a charity in Africa without asking him first.  The ensuing locker room unrest became so untenable, Emmanuel Adebayor was sold to Manchester City.  A team torn apart by shoes.  SHOES.  At Chelsea, it’s extramarital affairs with bastard love children being aborted.  

As far as I can tell, the chief interests of Arsenal players aside from soccer are shopping and video games.  With Chelsea, it seems to be shopping and intercourse with French lingerie models.  I think that says quite a bit about the respective teams.  Denilson is a boy: he likes cools sneakers, is probably really good at FIFA on Playstation but disappears in the big moments.  John Terry is a man: he cheats on his wife and scores game-winning goals.