Matt LeTissier was an early Premier League hero of mine. Back in the day (the late nineties) Fox Soccer Channel was known as Fox Sports World and coverage of the EPL was limited to a weekly two hour highlight show hosted by Lionel Bienvenu. Production values weren't great; the set looked rented, the segments were cheesy, names were mispronounced and Lionel Bienvenu (yes, that's his real name) always signed off with this cheesy, exaggerated "Gooodbyyyee." You could tell he thought it was really clever, like the next "Good night and good luck." Still, I recorded the show each week and watched every episode twice. Because my mother is Chinese, she likes to keep things. As far as I know she still has these tapes of mine somewhere in the attic (even after two moves and despite not having a VCR). If you picked tapes out of the box at random, I guarantee you one person would show up in the highlights more than any other. Matt Le Tissier. Man. Genius. Le God.
For those of you who have never heard of Le God or are fuzzy, I encourage you to Youtube the man. He wasn't well spoken, he looked like a total goon, kind of like Ernie from Sesame Street, and he played for Southampton which is kind of like playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates. I mean yeah, you're a professional athlete but… who cares? But the class he exuded when on the ball, the other worldly goals he scored and the modesty with which he celebrated them were enough to overcome his litany of deficits. For a time he was my favorite player. Had a guy named Bergkamp not come along, I could, today, be obsessing over Southampton's standing in League One (that would just be tragically nerdy).
It's good to see Le God resurface for the right reasons. A year before Andre Agassi came out with his "Meth and Me, a Memoir" it was Matt Le Tissier revealing too much for no reason in "Spread Betting, a Personal History." But now, more relevantly, he's made headlines for suggesting that England should hire him as a penatly kick coach. What makes Matt Le Tissier the authority on such a thing? Well, he was 47 of 48 in his career. It's incredibly difficult to make 47 of 48 free throws in basketball… and there isn't even any opposition. 47 of 48 is absolutely unheard of.
The timing of his suggestion couldn't be better, either. Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole, James Milner, Jemaine Defoe and Darren Bent can all count themselves as England players who have already missed penalties for their clubs this season. And, of course, let's not forget their captain, John Terry, famously slipped on his decisive spot kick to hand Man United the Champions League crown in 2008.
Penalties are even more relevant for England given their predilection for getting themselves into shootouts. History is not on their side:
World Cup 1990: Semifinals. Lost on penalties to W. Germany, 4-3
Euro 1992: Eliminated in group stage.
World Cup 1994: Did not qualify
Euro 1996: Semifinals. Lost on penalties to Germany 5-4 ("Gareth Southgate, the whole of England is behind you!")
World Cup 1998: Rd. of 16. Lost on penalties to Argentina 4-3 (David Beckham sent off early in second half)
Euro 2000: Eliminated in group stage.
World Cup 2002: Quarterfinals. Lost to Brazil in regulation, 2-1.
Euro 2004: Quarterfinals. Lost on penalties to Portugal, 6-5 (Beckham skies his penalty, everyone saw it coming).
World Cup 2006: Quarterfinals. Lost on penalties to Portugal, 3-1.
Euro 2008: Did not qualify.
In case you weren't keeping count, 5 of 8 the last 8 tournaments England have qualified for ended in penalty woe. For them to have even gotten to five penalty shootouts in so short a stretch is, on it's own, remarkable. To have lost every one? That's Cubs status right there.
With a record like that, what could it hurt to have Le God on your side?
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