Have you gotten your World Cup stab-vest yet?

In keeping with the week’s them of irrational fear, I present to you perhaps the most incredible product of our young 2010: The Protektorvest.  According to the manufacturer’s website, the vest provides not only “protection from potential attacks from blades, knives bottles and broken glass,” but you also have the opportunity to “turn your stab vest into a special and exclusive fan article,” by having your team's logo printed on the chest.  Unlike the discretely paranoid hidden money belt, the Protektervest is intended to be worn as a very explicit statement of your irrationality.  To me, that sounds like the prime opportunity to turn yourself into a "special and exclusive" stab victim.  Though in that way, it’s sort of the perfect product: your purchase and subsequent wearing of this article is almost guaranteed to actualize its very purpose (especially if you got the Japanese bullseye flag or the English crosshairs).  What if you could sell a condom that had the same powers?  Everyone who buys one immediately becomes a target for random, unprovoked sex.  You'd be richer than Bill Gates. 

I don’t think these guys are necessarily great businessmen, though.  Despite advertising themselves as the “No. 1 Personal Protection Clothing for the World Cup 2010 in South Africa,” I see no indication that they’re planning to expand their line to include ProtektorScarves (especially popular with football fans), ProtektorHats or even ProtektorSessories.  I’m going to want matching Kevlar wristbands to go with my vest.  Duh.  Also, the vest retails for $69.95 which is suspiciously low for something that is alleged to protect my “vital inner body parts from stabs, cuts, slashes and blows from sharp, edged (sic) or spiked weapons.”  Spiked weapons?  Thank god, I’ve always been worried about random medieval mace attacks.  What’s even more suspect is their charity promise: “We are working close with charities around the globe who are fighting against knife crime.  We think they deserve our support and therefore will donate $1 vest sold to charities.”  You want to stop knife crime?  Wouldn’t a rash of random stabbings actually benefit these guys the most?  If there is an unusually high rate of knife crime on tourists leading up to the World Cup, Protektorvest headquarters would be the first place I’d look.