MATT DAMON!

Matt Damon is a Chelsea fan. Or at least he sat in the home stands with a blue scarf at Chelsea’s game against Arsenal this Sunday.  Just as “Do the Right Thing” went up in my esteem after Spike Lee was spotted in an Arsenal jersey, “Good Will Hunting” is going down a peg or two.  I was in a pub with all the other local Arsenal masochists when the camera panned to him.  Arsenal were losing 2-0, so aside from a few groans, the bar was quiet.  We were coping.  As I have every time I’ve seen Matt Damon in the last four years, I blurted out his name loudly and as though I had a disability.  This is because of “Team America,” that puppet movie by the “South Park” guys.  It is both immature and completely unoriginal behavior.  But I persist.  And usually, it’s good for a laugh or two, mostly among boys of my age.  Sunday morning, however, was dead silent.  I think people were actually angry with with me; it was like farting loudly at a funeral. 

Thankfully for me, I got to redeem myself later that day.  Matt Damon also popped up in a Super Bowl ad.  Right on cue, I nailed my line.  As no one at this particular Super Bowl party was in mourning, I got not only laughs but also repercussions.  “Matt Damon.”  “Matt Damon,” the gallery chirped.  Thank god.  If the “Matt Damon” thing didn’t work for me anymore, I would have to find a second way to appear interesting to strangers during sporting events.