The Merseyside Derby, as reported by a man in his underwear

I just finished watching the Merseyside Derby on my couch, in my underwear, recorded on Tivo as all Merseyside Derbies are supposed to be enjoyed.  Two suspicions have been reinforced:

1.  Steven Gerrard does not play fairly.   In the first half, he took two balletic falls worthy of the even the finest all-Mexican rec leagues in Los Angeles.  Then in the second half, he put in a two-footed and blatantly unnecessary challenge on Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar.  In between he spent his time chatting up match official .  

The greats in any sport do this, I suppose.  Kobe is probably the best and most obvious example.  He is an expert at basketball’s version of the dive (the flail and shout) and has also mastered the art of inconspicuous fouling, which goes hand in hand with how well he works the refs.  But I think there’s a difference between that sort of insidious circumvention and what we saw today with Gerard.  It never looked like he was toeing the line of fairness in an effort to will his team to victory; he just looked desperate.  It reminds of Thierry Henry in the last couple of years.  For the entirety of his career, he was as honest as any striker in the world.  Now, he’s a persona non grata in Ireland.  I can actually source Henry’s turn to the dark side to the 2006 World Cup.  After blowing the opportunity to seal the Champion’s League final for Arsenal in May, Henry seemed to labor through France’s group stage matches in June.  And then against Brazil, after being more or less anonymous, he fell over meekly under a challenge from Lucio and it was like he discovered plutonium.  Zidane swung in the resulting free kick, Henry scored and France went into the World Cup semifinals.  The very next game, Henry went down in the box under a soft challenge from Portugal defender Ricardo Carvahlo for a penalty.  Three and half years later, he's the world's most famous volleyball player. 

Gerrard seems to be on the same decline.  I don’t know the exact root of his diving habit, but he seems to be doing it more and more as his influence on the game has diminished.  Sure, he’s been playing with an injury all season but just by watching his mannerisms on the pitch and that classic wince that he seems to wear more and more often.  He doesn't even celebrate with the same verve.  There's only one word for it: jaded.  He's looking for fouls rather than the killer pass and spends more and more time hovering near the ref.  If you’re pushing your team on to trophies, it's a perfectly fine thing to do.  People will say it's just a champion's will to win.  But when your team is hugely mediocre and you've been delegating playmaking responsibilities to Dirk Kuyt and Yossi Benayoun, people are only going to call you a cheat.  And that’s exactly what I’m doing: Steven Gerrard is a cheat.  

2. Landon Donovan is kind of lazy.  His ineffectual half-hearted challenge resulted in Liverpool’s goal and he also allowed Liverpool left back Insua too much time and space to get forward.  I can’t help but feel I just watched the inevitable result of years of MLS coddling.  Here in the States he’s a glory hunter, through and through.  There isn’t the expectation for him to chase back and get stuck-in, which seems to be half the task in a game like that one.  After a rosy introduction to the Premier League, I don’t think he’s gotten through that fivehead of his that he is not a star in England.  Everton players aren’t busting their asses to do his dirty work.  If Donovan continues in this vein, Arteta or Bilyaletinov will surely take his place in the side.  Needless to say, it wouldn’t exactly be a boon for confidence in the Team USA camp ahead their England clash to find their star player sitting on the bench of a mid-table English club.

On the bright side, Jozy Altidore just scored for Hull City.  I’m going to put on pants to relish that goal.